Watch “Live Free or Die – Lockdowns and Covid vs Freedom” on YouTube

It starts at won…

I won

Moved to wonder

Looking forward to wonderful

Missed a few lessons in Christianity 101

When you find you missed a HUGE part of life and Godliness. Maybe because of a blindness, maybe because of a misunderstanding, maybe because it just wasn’t time for THAT lesson. I can’t say.

I know this, I can keep moving forward, and say good -bye to the past that has held me in ‘bondage’ and pain. This is not God’s way. Its the way of the world. I am called to move on, forgive. To do that I need to see what hurt me, or if I hurt you or myself.

All of this looking inside may seem to be ‘worthless,’ but what if there is poison inside. Isn’t it good to get it out? Maybe for you, life was blessed, and you are happy. Your friends and spouse think you are ‘the best’ and you have no reason to ‘dredge up the past.’ That is GREAT. I hope that is your life. I personally have a few…. issues to overcome.

My life isn’t like yours, It’s like mine. I have been carrying some burdens for over 50 years. Some maybe 20 or who knows. The message I seemed to miss out on is this:

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

I didn’t actually know that included my emotional ‘cares.’ Carrying the ‘cares’ as if they were part of me and I was not separate from them. Which is rubbish. (I like that word better than trash).

We get to be free of all burdens! Yipee! Thank you Jesus, My Savior!

It may be news to you too, that we can let our emotions go or ask for protection from emotional harm. I may be a late bloomer to this learning of emotional health.

You or I don’t need to be upset with ourselves, we can adjust our minds and move forward. I think I am ready now. The preparation has been going on for years. It’s like I had the tools, but no teacher. It’s a case of ‘not knowing what to ask, to get an answer to a question.’

Darn it and move forward. (To Darn= To mend, to repair) I know the GIF is not that meaning, but I couldn’t find the one I needed.

I am feeling painful emotions and it HURTS. It’s so PAINFUL. I want to RUN AWAY. I want to HIDE. I WANT TO HURT SOMEONE. Yet I sit. I FEEL the pain. I am not alone, God is near me to hold me and comfort me.

It really makes me wonder if the ‘Rioters’ are feeling pain too and this is their way of ‘lashing out’. I know Jesus is my balm, my salve, my healer, I pray for them and you, to know Gods loving comfort. I am not going to short change the pain, or make it go away, I can’t.

I CAN, feel it and accept it as part of my life journey. I don’t have to keep it ‘stuck’ in me. I really CAN cast all my care on God.

I have found for me, journaling my reasons for Gratitude in Life (Thanks Dawn) and looking at my suffering as part of my whole, has made me a better person in some ways. I think I can feel deeply because of the pain I have had. I think I can forgive quickly, because I sure hope to receive that Grace in my life.

I have been drawing pictures…


Ps. 139:13-17 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!


Jer. 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


I can see my DNA in my drawing. God knit me in my mothers womb. God’s plan. I am just right.

5’3″ Strong Female Love to Swim Love other Cultures/ People Foodie Animal Lover Friendly Free Spirit Mechanically Inclined

I can hear the harmful words in my life, starting at two years old to fifty -nine years old.

I made a list of words that I have heard/felt and never have ‘cast off.’

I then drew a Teeny Tiny box and figuratively put those words in the box, mentally by faith, allowed the Blood of Jesus to cover the box

Then I asked for forgiveness to those people and for me, for believing the lies they said about me.

I am not a stupid idiot, ‘dummkopf’, a pill, in the way, ungrateful, a dike, crazy or any other of the words.

I can see God’s truth and its strength. It is the light out of this darkness.

I hope you are free too, or learning freedom. It is a painful journey, made easier and lighter by my Helper God and Father.

Praise Jesus for Freedom. There IS power in the Blood of the Lamb.

Shalom, Shalom.

Missing your Mom, when she’s toxic.

Sweet? or Sickeningly Sweet?
Life and Death are in the power of the tongue. Prov. 18:21

What do those photos have to do with Moms? Or toxic lives? What do you think of when you see ‘candy’ or a ‘skull?’

What could I mean by showing these two together?

Some of you may understand the good and bad of the photos. Candy is ‘good’ and death is ‘bad’. I don’t ascribe to that belief, but it does seem popular to society.

Some may think I am being ‘over emotional’ or ‘sensational’ to use such a stark contrast in photos. I am sure both could be true, you decide. I am doing my best to be honest and yet not gloss over the problems I face in life. (Also, I didn’t have a better photo for my post. I used what I had in my camera.)

What does all of this have to do with toxicity? Or Moms?

“Mom” can be such a loving word, such a beautiful caring word… until it’s not. Some have wonderful mental images of their “Mom.” With others, the word brings conflicted feelings and shame of how they ‘really feel about Mom.’

How do you feel about your Mom? Do you have love, comfort, hurt, pain, anger, rage, pain, sorrow, or great feelings of laughter? Or a mixed bag of it all?

Some women really have no idea of how to be a mom, or a caregiver or a nurturer. Some women had an ’empty chest’ when it came to loving others.

They needed everyone around them to fill their cups. Yes, cups. They were very needy, so they had empty cups and would need more and more and more attention, until they drained the people around them dry.

Many men or women can end up narcissist because of a parent who loves conditionally and with cruel intentions. Many parents do not have evil intentions, but the results are still very damaging. (My post is about Mothers, but I believe many of the issues could also be with anybody).

I have been processing my pain for months and months and because I prefer to talk to God and be healed from my soul out to my mind, I chose this path, a path of prayer and asking God to reveal Truth by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I have a counselor friend I can chat with, but I really want to let God heal my heart, soul and emotions. I have a part to play in this drama too.

I allowed the pain. I didn’t say stop. I didn’t ever speak up for myself. No, No, No. That never would have done. I feel, if I had, I would have been called an ‘ungrateful brat.’

Oh wait! I was called ‘An ungrateful Brat’ when I was 17. When your parents call you names, that’s pretty low. When your sister calls you names and your parents don’t come to defend you, that’s pretty low too. Not one time did they come to my rescue, but if your Mom sees you as ‘baggage’, you don’t fit in to their life very well. In my case I got two messages,you are in the way, and why are you difficult “I never said that” so that is the way I started not trusting my feelings. Gaslighting is the name for that.

God calls me names all day long too! And since the beginning of time….. wait, there is NO time in God’s kingdom.


That’s pretty great. I didn’t realize I was believing my Mom/family/peers, more than God until recently. I am waking up, praise God.

I know if I lived in a perfect world, I would have perfect parents that loved me perfectly. But alas, that is not our earth. No one has perfect parents, maybe people have some really great parents, but not perfect. One of my very favorite families, they have problems too, and they are professional therapists.

Because, even seemingly perfect parents will not be able to avoid the cultural lessons, or evil thoughts that may be entertained in a child. What we as parents have to know is that we are only one ‘source of life lessons.’

My parents were raised in a hard time: war, loss of jobs by parents, alcoholic parents, fear, anger, insecurity, cold emotions, fear of ‘the enemy’, and a day when people just didn’t share with their children about life.

When a child grows up needy, they either stay that way, or they grow up and out of it. It’s a maturity issue, and a spiritual growth issue. Some never do grow out of it and end up damaging their own children.

What if God could show you a movie, of your Mom’s life? What if you saw their hurt, pains, rejections, disappointments and reasoning. What if you saw life through their eyes.

Could you see, how their lives got to this point? I am NOT excusing the pains and hurt they inflicted, I am saying we all want to be understood and loved.

I know this.

I hurt.

I hurt and my hurt hurts others.

I am committed to stopping this Co Dependant behavior and narcisissm. I am committed to learning new truth and forgiving asap. ASAP.

I can forgive, pretty easily. What I can’t do is to ‘get well’ quiet as fast.

It’s like being poisoned, it takes time for the poison to leave you. I am able to forgive, only because God forgave me. I HATED GOD, and He forgave me. (You may be able to forgive without being Christian, but in my home we were taught to hold grudges, so forgiveness was a foreign concept in my youth)

Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Matt 6:14 Forgive,as you have been forgiven

Col. 3:13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Genesis 50:20 What Satan meant for evil, God meant for good

Soooo, we are to forgive. OK, what if the other person doesn’t change?

Forgiveness changes your heart, not theirs (necessarily). God’s forgiveness changed me, but I was wanting to be changed. Some people do not want to change, or are afraid to, because then they would have to take responsibility for their actions and words. I can forgive others, and then ‘let it go’ as Elsa says in Frozen the movie. (I think Elsa is a bit bitter here? I am not saying to be bitter, but BETTER).

Forgiveness brings freedom and that’s why God requires it of us. He paid for our freedom, we choose whether to keep pain, or let the pain go and ‘cast it on God.’

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your cares/ anxieties upon Him, for He cares for you.

So, you and I may have a Toxic Mom. We can call her TM for short. I am learning boundaries, to speak up IN LOVE. (you may discern, I have some anger within me. I am asking God to dig it out and clean my heart so LOVE fills me). Watch God do it, because it pleases Him to make me clean.

You are loved, even when your emotions, or ‘voices’ from a TM are in your mind. God’s ways ARE higher than our ways, He is able to restore our minds and emotions.

So, what about you? Are you 12 and learning that you have a TM? Or are you 60 and just now learning that a TM raised you?

I am the latter.

(Side note: later,latter or ladder….. what does a non English speaker do with that?)

I know you have things to process, to think over and digest. I do too. I will continue on this thread later. Please let me know if you find comfort in God’s love and understanding. I desire to be a blessing and share Gods eternal love, as I process life myself, I am learning how to blog, write, communicate and let it go…

A pottery project… 🙂 for the future.

Ok, how bout a joke? This post is so heavy…

Have you heard about Murphy’s Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. How about Cole’s Law? No. It’s julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.


I hope you can find encouragement here. I am hopeful that you are on your way, and finding peace is obtainable, keep on your search.

Shalom, Shalom

A Storm is brewing…

Photo of a Tornado coming…PC S.Avila

My life is in a virtual emotional storm right now. I am working through pains that I have ignored or not processed fully. I am feeling angry, lost, abandoned, lonely, rejected and this is good for me to feel, because I have ‘white washed’ my emotions for years. I have been learning to Praise God, it’s a choice I make, because I know He is worthy, yet my pain has been ‘stuffed.’

I know that Praise Works! (a book by Merlin Carothers) and pain is often our view of life and by not inviting God to share His view of the situation. This is not always the truth, sometimes life is hard and it hurts. I have to feel the pain, and be real about that, yet hold onto God’s word for hope and life.

I still get hit broadsided at times and struggle for my balance, but I have faith that the pain I am experiencing will pass, just like any storm. I hold on to God and His infallible words. I am not saying to move through pain quickly as in living with denial, just feel it, know why it’s there and then ask for wisdom on how to move forward.

Some of life HURTS BAD, SUPER BAD! Let’s chat here:

Miscarriages, children drowning, drug overdoses, cancers, drunk drivers killing or maiming, flood, fire, suicides, divorces, children leaving their faith and the power of God…

Life here can feel BAD, yet I have hope. A real hope for change in me, others, and a real hope for a pure life in heaven.

I know from the bottom of my heart that my God is for me, loves me and is currently with me. I am really His beloved daughter and God want’s what is best for me and each of us and is willing to help us find that love. I know His Spirit is the reveler of agape (unconditional love). It’s true of you too, I want to share that love with you.

For now, I need to not be focused on others hurting. I am the one hurting, and if I am always focused on others pain and suffering, I can’t begin to heal. I didn’t realize this has been my habit. I am going to stop. Feel my hurts and find out what has been holding me back. I may not be in ‘agony’ of pain, but I am sensing damage none the less.

I have been in the habit of ‘putting others first’, that isn’t a bad thing, in and of itself. I love to serve, and be of service, for sure. I also serve, because it is a physical distraction away from my pain. It’s called Co-Dependency of a Narcissist. It is not healthy.

I didn’t know I was doing it, so I had no reason to stop. The last 13 months or so, have been groundbreaking in my emotional health. I have realized that some people have used ME to ‘buffer’ their own pain and I didn’t realize it, so I allowed it. I was used to ‘fill them up.’

I was used like a comforter, a blanket, a shield, a physical source of love, when that needs to come from God. That is His job, I am not strong enough to do that for anyone, let alone 5-10 someones. How did that pan out?

Well, ‘they’ would call me when they were in crisis, or needed a shoulder to lean on, when they were sad or overwhelmed and because I thought it was the ‘loving thing to do’ I would go ‘rescue’. I could not say no, because I would be ‘shamed’ and that pain was worse for me.

I noticed that when I started to pull back they acted like I was ‘selfish, uncaring, unfeeling’. This is manipulation, because it was not healthy for me or them. I know I am to be unselfish, and to be caring… but when I started to becoming ‘awake’ I was shamed for taking too much ‘me time.’

I noticed my road trip to Alaska was so FREEING. I didn’t understand why, at first, it was because I was ‘freed’ from being a ‘doormat’, ‘fixer’, ‘holy spirit’, ‘servant/slave.’

I just didn’t know how to handle my feelings and conflicted emotions, when I got back home. I can’t help others move to a healthy path, but I am able to take care of my own life journey. I can find help, peace and healing with God’s help and pray that for them too.

I’ve never had a safe place to be real, feel my deep pain or hurts or find healing. I was the one who others turned to, to find support. I never found my own support, not on earth anyway. I found I could bear my heart to Jesus and as a loving God, He took my pain and held it for a time.

He took my hurt, my tears and my pain and held me together…. but I never addressed the reason for the deep, deep pain I was in. He took it, and held it, until I was ready to face the pain and the “why’ of why it was there.

So, here I go. I am on a journey of healing and restoration. I am not feeling good about this, I am just ‘sick and tired’ of being sick and tired and having no movement forward in life. I really feel stuck.

I am so tired of being stuck. I won’t go backwards and, I am ‘stalled’ going forward. I want to find a new way, new patterns and new healing paths.

I do not blame anyone, I choose forgiveness. I understand they are living their lives the best way they can. I recognize their pain and rejection of my ‘being’ and I acknowledge the pain and hurt they never healed from and I now forgive them. Processing my own memories, one at a time, with distance emotionally and even physically.

To anyone who has hurt me, I recognize the pain you may have been in and I honestly forgive you. I am to moving on in Grace for my own healing at the same time.

Drive through life, and stopping to assess the story

Why did I get stuck?

I have been a Co-Dependent person for a long time, I guess I have a heart and mind to help others, but it goes to far. I do ‘unto others’ the way I want to be treated, but then it becomes ‘unhealthy’. I think that goes back to being ‘ignored’ as a child. I wanted to be taken care of so I did that for my parents, children, friends… Now I see, it is too much. I am glad I see it.

What will I do to get unstuck?

Repent. Ask God to forgive me for ‘putting others needs first’ and not putting His will and plan first. Even to the point where I didn’t love me. I thought others were right, I was wrong and I was ‘stupid’ for doing certain things, or making mistakes. It’s training from childhood. I believed and took on the lies as truth in my life. I became the lies they spoke. God has been washing me for over 40 years, washing me clean.

Who will I turn too? As an Empath, I get concerned I will ‘overwhelm’ the other person I am telling my problems too, and I hold back in sharing my pain. That is now going to stop, with God’s help and wisdom in WHO to share with. I am writing in a journal to help me process this, and writing this blog.

I am angry, frustrated and also ready to be ‘set free’. Thank you God for paving the way out of CA, so I could find Your freedom.

Phase one pain: Feeling rejection/ not being accepted as a child, and physical/ emotional abuse.

Phase two pain: Rejection/ Lack of attention after my brothers suicide.

Phase three pain: Rejection/ Ignoring me and my needs to grieve, but never addressing how to do heal.

Phase four pain: Rejection/ Shaming/ Physical/Emotional/Sexual Abuse by a family friend, husband and son. It was down played by my parents, because it was ‘so long ago’ and he was an injured man.

Phase five pain: My children, many times not wanting communication with me and not caring about me as a person. Being alone, with God.

Phase six pain: Shaming my dreams and filling me with ‘limiting’ beliefs.

Phase seven pain: Not being on the same page of faith and dreams of a faith filled life. I want to do Christian life together with family and friends, to please God. I am alone in my hungry pursuit of God.

Phase eight New Beginnings:

Phase nine: New Dreams.

Phase ten: New Abundance.

I am here to find hope, share hope and be real.

Shalom, Shalom

Shared recipe #17 from:


17. Aloe Vera Green Bean Sweet Porridge:

Vietnamese summer dishes

Aloe vera is preferred because of its health benefits. Aloe vera can help people deal with many health problems, such as liver disease, stored body toxins. It can also help you have beautiful skin. Therefore, women extremely prefer refreshing dishes made with aloe vera, especially in hot summer days. Another great advantage is that aloe vera is also very useful for people who want to lose extra weight. Aloe vera green bean sweet porridge is one of the most delicious Vietnamese summer dishes which can help you get refreshed mentality and ruddy white skin. Cooking aloe vera green bean sweet porridge is also not complicated, and the ingredients needed for this dish is extremely easy to find.


– Fresh lemon

– Chestnut starch

– Vanilla essence

– White or brown sugar

– Shelled green bean

– Aloe vera

from a precious site:

For a fast summer meal that is cool, healthy and has my favorite substance (remember my Faith post?) Aloe Vera.

Try it and let me know, its on my ‘to do’ list for this week.

Shalom, Tracey

From the Doctors

Reality is….

Do you live in the now? Living with love and FREEDOM?

What does freedom look like to you?

Going as fast as you can on the highway?

Living by your rules?

Treating others, like they treat you?

I choose to live life free, without regrets, having a respect for others.

Caring for others, who may not be able to help themselves- at that moment. Have you been living free?

My cup is full and I am free.

Camping, living well meeting people from Idaho who are newly in love, a man from Cuba ( wow,what an escape!) who is now living the American dream, a family from Ohio- what a great couple, and family Chase reunion! Oh ya, could be distant cousins!!

I am also saddened by the drama in the USA, oh how I long for heaven and God’s peace on earth. He is my peace now, not just when it’s all good. He is my peace, He bought my freedom.

Freedom to live well, not reacting to hurt, free to forgive and love others. Especially others who are needing love and a hug. Freedom from living a sinful hurtful life.

Are you as free as you want to be??

Tell me what is freedom to you?


Songs of worship.

Uniquely Designed to be ‘Alone’ 2.0

I had been watching the History channel show ‘Alone’ and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I learned about the psychology of aloneness as I watched others learn and grow.

If you have not seen it and enjoy ‘off grid living’ then this is the show to watch.

From 3 days ‘Alone’ to almost 90 days on ‘Alone’ you can find out the psychology and mental/ spiritual fortitude of these people. It’s nothing to be judgemental about, some just need people, or animals.

I didn’t know, I craved fellowship, and chatting along with being ‘alone’. So much time alone, has not been a hardship for me…

It IS hard not having a place to call ‘home’. Not having an address. No dog, no cows, no dinner conversation, no horse, no one to call me. I think the pioneer woman of 150 years ago had a super strength, and yearning for freedom. I don’t know if that’s me, or maybe it is.

The women I read about had a brother, husband or a child, or a home and land to tend. To keep busy with, and help out in life.

I have God. He has ordained that I leave CA and learn to trust Him deeply and seek Him for my future. I am. Happily.

Maybe it’s Him showing me my place in His world? I enjoy sharing Hope in God and health. Maybe this journey will help me find my focus?

Who can know, until they are alone, how they might like it ?

I feel it would be more bareable, if I knew where I was to live. I am on a journey to who knows where. It’s not being alone as much as, where do I belong? I still don’t know.

God knows, and that’s what I need to know. Him.

Looks like home.

Traveling IS good for my soul.

I enjoy each moment, seeing God in each hill, valley, mountain, pasture and person.

The fresh air, blowing hard over the land in Laramie, Wyoming, or the cold mountain air near Brooks Lake, Wyoming at the end of the 515 road.

Seeing bald eagles soar, little birds flying against the 45 mph wind to get to the nest. Each life event transforming my heart to love life even more deeply.

How do I explain the love of freedom, yet the need/ desire for fellowship?

I’m not sure. I’m working on it.

Shalom, Tracey

If you have any other aquantance who is a solo faith traveler, please connect me to them.